There are several moments in parenting in which everything can seem to go wrong all at once, and at the same time where all that goes wrong is absolutely hilarious. Take diaper changing, for instance. This is probably one of the most common and seemingly mundane tasks in dealing with an infant, but every once in a while, it can be anything but.
While sitting on the couch, and checking my notifications on my tablet, my wife was holding our new baby, Drax. He has been rather gassy for the last couple days, as we have needed to supplement his feedings with formula until Kay can meet his needs (He’s a very hungry boy), and he let out a rather loud and definitely wet fart. Well, immediately Kay and I began to laugh, but she laughed a lot harder about our baby sharting in her hand.
Let me first explain that Kay delivered vaginally only four days ago (It’s okay, she said I could tell you), and as such, her Kegel muscles have been through a lot recently, and they are rather tired. With this in mind, her uncontrollable laughing fit made her have the fierce urgency to pee. She looked at me like I needed to take the baby now before something terrible happened. I went over and to grab Drax from her, and she tried to get to the part of the bathroom that she so desperately needed at the time, and as fast as she could. She didn’t make it.
Now that she was standing in a puddle of her own urine she continued to laugh, and the pee just kept coming. I saw the situation and couldn’t help laughing myself, however, I had my own shitty dilemma on my hands. Both figuratively, and soon to be literally.
Since I now had Drax, and he was still very much in playdough factory mode, I took him over to the changing table. All the while I’m laughing with my wife and giving her a play by play of the disaster in my kid’s diaper. Of course, this just makes her laugh harder, and she begged me to stop. She was trying to clean her mess, and she didn’t want to make it any worse. I, on the other hand, was cleaning up Drax and had just moved his old diaper out of the way when, of course, he decides to poop some more. There it was, and it just… kept… coming… I eventually managed to scoot him over the old diaper to finish, but I was too late to keep him from pooping on the new Pack and Play mat, and ugh… he did not come out unscathed. Fortunately, those things are made to be cleaned, and Drax didn’t get anything on his clothes either. My glove didn’t make it, though. It was nothing that some antibacterial soap, hot water, and disinfecting wipes couldn’t handle.
So, there it was. One moment in which everything was just fine, and one single shart brings our little world into the most hilarious chaos worthy of the slapstick comedians of yesteryear. As gross as the situation was, I’ve learned to expect more of that. Well, I don’t know about more of my wife peeing herself, but that will probably happen more, too. One thing is for certain, though. I love my family, and all the gross times which come with them, for which I am always glad to have a full stock of nitrile gloves.
The Mage's Circle 